


Collide

by Shion Akii (spicyhorses)



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-02-12
Updated: 2014-02-12
Packaged: 2018-01-12 03:45:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,407
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1181499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spicyhorses/pseuds/Shion%20Akii
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jean is a mildly depressed teenager starting his senior year in high school. He expects everything to be the same; having no real friends, going to parties where he feels alone in a crowded room, and cutting every now and then. Until he meets a shy amputee with burns all over his body - Marco.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Collide

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so this is my first Jeanmarco fic! I decided to publish it here because this place is where a majority of the Jeanmarco fics originate. Seeing as this is my first for this pairing, please do not expect it to be outstanding, but please give it a shot! Thanks!

"Jean, it's time to wake up!" I heard my mother's voice call as I rose from my pitiful excuse for sleep. I didn't remember going to bed, but I clearly did, because I was in my bed and my laptop was put away.  
"Mom," I groaned, rolling over so that my face was in my pillow. "I told you not to wake me up. I'd do fine... on my own..." I talked slower and slower until I completely stopped, having fallen asleep again.  
She clapped her hands three ear-shattering times. "Wake up, Jean!" She hollered, and I grumbled unintelligible curses underneath my breath as I hung my legs over the side of my bed. "'Do fine on my own,' my ass." She shouted, walked away from my door and leaving it open. Again. She never closed my door, no matter how many times I asked her to. I stood up and trudged over to the door, pushing it shut and locking it. I looked at the calendar, and my eyes cleared themselves of sleep when I realized what day it was.  
Dammit! It was the first day of senior year, the day I'd been dreading all summer long. "Fuck!" I nearly shouted, covering my face with my hands as if doing that would somehow make summer last longer. But when I uncovered it, the calendar was still there, the X's leading up to the one day I had marked with a frowny face and, in small handwriting, "fuck this shit."  
I could easily drop out, if my mother would let me, but then I'd have pretty much no choice for a career. I wouldn't go to college, I wouldn't get married because no girl or guy wants to marry a jobless loser. I mean, my family was pretty rich, so I could just wait until my grandma died and inherit her fortune, but that would make me an awful person. And she's ancient and doesn't seem like she's going to go lights out any time soon.  
All this thinking made my head hurt. I sighed and walked to my bathroom, wiping the remaining crust from the corners of my eyes. I ran the faucet and splashed water on my face, looking myself in the eyes intensely in the mirror. "Don't fuck up today. If you fuck up, I will hurt you." I spoke to my reflection and it spoke back, and then my expression turned scared. "Jeez, okay!"  
Having conversations like this with myself was relatively normal for me, especially when I was stressed. And I was right, I _would_ hurt myself if I fucked up. I had a bad habit of cutting. I picked it up when I was thirteen and depressed, but even though I'm not really depressed anymore, I still do it. It's like I'm addicted or something.  
I brushed my teeth and then left the bathroom, grabbing my old jersey from basketball last year and putting it on. I wasn't going to try out this year for sure; basketball was now the bane of my existence.  
Even though my arms were scarred (not too heavily, thank God), I still wore short sleeved and no-sleeved shirts. I wasn't ashamed.  
I pulled on a pair of dark denim skinny jeans that created contrast with my white jersey. I looked myself in the mirror and flashed my signature (crooked, at that) smile. Okay, I looked decent. I ran a hand back through my two-tone, two-length hair and sighed, thinking about what else I had to do. I had to pack my bag, take my meds, and I'd grab a piece of toast on my way out and eat it on the way to school. I'd also grab some money for lunch. That was pretty much it.  
I grabbed my phone off the charger and shoved it in my pocket, just in case, as well as my wallet. I didn't bother with earbuds today, because I wasn't going to listen to my music. There wasn't any point in trying to lift my mood. The minute I reached school would be the minute my whole world started to fall apart again.  
Maybe I was being a little melodramatic, but that's what it felt like. I walked downstairs and shoved the books I knew I needed into my cinch bag. That was all I needed this year; no big bags because I wouldn't be taking so many classes at one time. I'd have a few at the community college, and a few at the high school. But I had finished my math classes in sophomore year, and I only had to take science and English this year. I had signed up for a few electives as well, but those didn't need books. I also grabbed a couple dollars from the lunch funds jar that my mom and I shared for both school and the hospital she worked at. I grabbed my 300 milligrams of Wellbutrin from the bottle and swallowed it dry.  
I popped some bread into the toaster and turned around, my mom scaring the shit out of me. "Mom!" I cried, covering my red face.  
"Haha, sorry, Jean." She laughed, taking a couple steps towards me and embracing me. I hugged her back and kissed the side of her head. "I love you."  
"Love you, too." I muttered, pulling away when my toast was done. I grabbed it with two fingers, seeing as it was pretty hot, and blew on it until it was just really warm.  
"Have a good day, sweetie!" She shouted as I slung my cinch back over my shoulder and opened the door, toast hanging out of my mouth.  
"Thanksh mem!" I tried to talk with my mouth full of bread and it came out like that. I rolled my eyes at my inability to talk with such a simple drawback and then left the house.  
I normally walked to school. Driving wouldn't be practical because of how short the distance from my house to my school was. The bus never came here, though, so I was left with the option of walking or driving, and I much preferred walking, no matter how much I loved my car. I didn't want to take it out of the garage to have it sit in some shitty school's parking lot for seven hours each day.  
I took the toast out of my mouth and took a big bite out of it, the crunching sound reminding me of my sophomore and junior years in high school. That was when my toast thing really got going.  
"Jean!" I heard Connie's familiar annoying voice shouting at me. "Hey, wait for me!" I was barely out of my driveway when he started shouting.  
"Shut up, Connie! It's 7 in the morning! People are still sleeping!" I yelled back at the same volume, contradicting my actual words.  
"Jeez, someone's happy to see me." He laughed, striding up to me with a big grin on his face. I rolled my eyes and took another bite out of my toast. "Excited for the new school year, Kirschtein?"  
"I'm thrilled." I said in the most monotonous voice I could muster.  
"I can tell. Hey, what do you think Mikasa's going to be wearing today? Something tight, so you ca-"  
"Shut the fuck up!" I snapped, causing Baldy to laugh.  
"I was kidding, man, chill!"  
"It wasn't funny." I grumbled.  
He rolled his eyes at me. "Lighten up, will you?" He hit me in the chest and looked at my arms. "You did it again, didn't you? I see some red marks." He said with an exasperated sigh. "When are you going to stop, Jean? I've told you so many times to stop."  
"I just can't!" I said, finishing off my toast with one last big bite. As I chewed, I spoke again. "It's so hard. It's like, I want to stop, but I can't. Not because I'm embarrassed or whatever, but because I know it's not healthy and one day someone's gonna throw me in the loony bin for it. Now _that_ will be embarrassing." I swallowed and sighed. I really didn't want to end up in the loony bin.  
"That should give you some motivation to stop." Connie said, and I held my hand up, stopping him from going any further. Luckily for me, Sasha appeared on the sidewalk pretty far ahead of us. That would distract him for now. "Sasha! Hey, wait up!" He shouted, running up to meet her. She turned around, stuffing a breakfast sandwich in her face.  
I laughed quietly and then let out a deep breath, trying not to collapse underneath this muggy heat. I watched as Connie caught up to her, faint sounds of him yakking reaching my ears. Then I saw someone out of the corner of my eye. I turned to look and nearly fell over. He was creepy! His right arm was missing, and the right side of his face had burn scars all the way down his neck. He turned to look at me and with the glimpse I caught of him, I noticed that he had a dead eye; his right eye was bloodshot and the iris and pupil were both milky white.  
I turned away, and when I got the feeling that he wasn't looking at me anymore, I looked again. His ear looked fine, and so did part of his forehead, so that would explain why his hair looked natural. I couldn't help but wonder what happened to him. "Excuse me?" He called in a soft voice across the narrow street, coming over to meet me. I held my breath. He was about half a head taller than me, and his short black hair was parted down the middle, leaving his hair to frame his forehead. He had a cluster of freckles on his left cheek, and I couldn't help but notice he was pretty cute, with the exception of all the burn damage.  
I forced a smile and he smiled back, the right side staying in place. "Can I follow you the rest of the way to the school? I kind of forgot where it is." I cocked an eyebrow, wondering why he was asking permission to follow me. "I just didn't want you to think I'm some freaky stalker or something." He said with a nervous tremble in his voice. I smiled once more.  
"Yeah, sure. You can follow me." I wanted to ask him to tag along, but I didn't want to tell him to stand to my right, because that would be rude. So I didn't say anything else.  
"Thanks." He said, falling back a few steps and then continuing to walk behind me. That was nice of him. He seemed like he was a nice guy, but a little shy. I would be, too, if I looked like that. Who knew what kind of reaction you'd get?  
I felt really bad for him, seeing as he was coming to Rose-Maria High School, probably the most judgmental school on the planet. It was filled with mean people. I was lucky to have found so many friends. Armin, Mikasa, Connie, Sasha, Annie, Reiner, Bertholdt, Ymir, Christa. And Eren, a little bit. But that guy could be a dick.  
As I was saying, I was lucky that I had all of those guys in my classes and that we were all a big group of friends who never let another fall behind. Even if I didn't have a best friend out of all of them, I was still very fortunate.  
I couldn't help but wonder where the half-guy behind me would end up on the social food chain. My friends and I were floaters; we weren't predators and we weren't prey. Except Armin. Armin was definitely prey. We had to protect him from bullies a lot. Also Christa. Guys were all over her constantly.  
He'd probably end up on the very bottom, every other group feeding off of his misery. I felt bad for the guy. Even _I_ was calling him a 'half-guy.' That wasn't very nice of me.  
I guessed I should probably talk to him, give him a good first impression. Maybe invite him to hang out with me and my friends (or maybe just me) for lunch. Before I could think it over, just like usual, I was turned around with my mouth open. "Do you wanna, you know, talk some? I'm bored and I've never seen you before, so I guess you're new." My words were rushed and he did the half-smile thing again. It was getting a little less creepy now that I'd seen it more than once.  
"Yeah, I'm new." His voice was a little louder now that I was offering to talk to him. "I'm Marco. Marco Bodt." He said, still smiling, holding his left hand out to shake mine. I wiped the bread crumbs off of my hand and shook his. It felt weird, seeing as I was used to shaking with my right, but I got over it.  
"Jean. Jean Kirschtein." I introduced myself the same way he had introduced himself, and he let out a small laugh. "When did you move here? And why the fuck would you move someplace like Trost? The name itself is enough to turn most people away." Sure, we had one of the best universities in the world - Sina University, to be exact - and some good restaurants and factories, but other than that, life here was a drag.  
Marco laughed again. "My dad got a job opportunity near here, so naturally my step-mom and I came with him." He explained. I noticed his voice was soothing now that I actually got to listen to it when he wasn't nervous or speaking in short sentences. It was like talking to an angel, or butter. That's a weird comparison but it'll have to do. "He works at the Amazon factory."  
"Really? We live near one? So, like, if I order something, a _drone_ will come to my house?"  
"Yep!" Marco replied, closing his eyes for a moment and smiling. I imagined what he looked like before whatever accident he was in, and the result was glorious.  
"That's so fucking cool!" I enthused, and when I looked forward, Connie and Sasha were turned around, staring in a horrified manner. I flipped them off and they turned back around. "Sorry about them, they're jus-"  
"It's okay, I'm used to it." He cut me off, still smiling. His breath hitched in his throat a little bit, but he let it go quickly and passed it off as a cough. I felt really bad for him. I couldn't imagine what I'd do if I got looked at like that all the time.  
"So..." I started, trying to change the subject but with nothing coming to mind. "Uh, fine weather we're having, huh?"  
"Uh, it's actually pretty miserable."  
"That's what I meant."  
"If you don't want to talk to me, that's fine." Marco said, his tone growing serious even though he was still smiling. "If you'll just let me follow you, that's good enough for me."  
"No, no! I want to talk to you! I just can't think of anything to say."  
"Well, that's fine, because we're at the school, anyway. It was nice meeting you, Jean." Marco said quietly, walking a little faster in the direction of the huge double doors. I didn't even notice we had reached it. His backpack was smacking his back with every step he took.  
"No, wait! I want to invite you to lunch with me and my friends!" I called after him, and he turned around.  
"I'll do fine on my own." He said with a sure smile. "But thank you. It means a lot."  
He walked into the school and I stood there, people rushing to get around me, dumbfounded at the man I'd just met. What the fuck?

\----------

3rd period. AP Anatomy. Probably the best class I had. I tapped my pencil on my desk and let out a sharp breath, causing people around me to look. I couldn't stop thinking about that Marco guy. He was so sure that he'd do okay, but I wasn't. I knew he was going to be shredded up like paper by the end of the day. People there were so mean.  
"Jean?" Professor Hanji spoke to me. Apparently they noticed I wasn't paying attention. Hanji was a very good teacher; I'd had them for Biology last year. They preferred gender-neutral pronouns as opposed to he/she, so we respected that. Because they could also get a little scary. "What's got you daydreaming?" They asked, standing in front of my desk and I looked up.  
"Uh, umm..." I started, flustered, and they smiled.  
"Don't worry about it. Just pay more attention, okay?" Hanji said, and I nodded vigorously. They continued walking through the aisles of desks and saying something about the syllabus, but of course, the minute they left, I was thinking about how bad I felt for Marco again. If he'd just taken my invitation to sit with my friends at lunch, he wouldn't have to worry about sitting alone. Sitting alone was like the ultimate crime at Rose-Maria. You'd get made fun of constantly and if you did it too much the counselors would come and talk to you, right there in front of everybody. I learned that the hard way in freshman year.  
The bell rang loud in my ears and before anyone stood up, we waited for Hanji to dismiss us. If anyone left before then, Hanji was notorious for giving them detention for at least a week. I have to admit, they were really harsh when it came to discipline.  
I suppose you're wondering why I call Hanji by their first name. Well, at Rose-Maria, all the students and teachers are on a first name basis. It's to create a sense of comfort between the teachers and students. Every adult there, even Principal Erwin, would make sure to call the kids by their first names to avoid being intimidating. Though Vice Principal Levi was intimidating anyway. There you go.  
"Class dismissed. Remember the homework! Get a separate notebook for this class!" I already had that done, so I didn't have to worry about that. Everyone shuffled out the door and headed out to the cafeteria for hot lunch.  
Connie and Sasha were already at our designated table, devouring their trays that looked like mountains of food. Sasha's was much bigger, though.  
I pulled my money out of my pocket and stepped into the lunch line, grabbing a sandwich and some mac 'n' cheese and a bottle of water. The line moved pretty quickly, though, so I was able to pay fast and sit at the table. Annie, Reiner and Bertholdt had sat down in the time that I went through the line. Then came Ymir and Christa, then Armin, Mikasa and Eren. Mikasa looked so. Fucking. Hot.  
She was wearing a really tight tank top that accentuated her boobs and waist, really short shorts and her usual scarf that Eren gave to her when they were kids. I was jealous of him, because his family took her in after an accident with her family so he got to spend a lot of time with her. But that meant they were like brother and sister, so he couldn't date her. But he definitely got in the way of _me_ dating her.  
As I was drooling over Mikasa without her noticing (which was an amazing feat of mine), I heard our table go silent. "Who's Dead Eye Dick over there?" Connie nearly shouted, causing all of us and more to look in the direction he was pointing. And sure enough, there was Marco Bodt, looking embarrassed as hell. "Since when did we have a kid missing an arm?" He continued. "And look at those scars! What the fuck _happened_ to you?!" As usual, Connie didn't know how to stop and Marco flinched after hearing the insults, but he didn't leave. I didn't know who was more stupid; Connie for saying that, or Marco for staying. Probably Connie, but they were both stupid.  
"Shut the fuck up, Baldy!" I shouted. I picked up my tray and stood up.  
"No, don't! Don't go over there, we'll all get associated with him!"  
"His name's Marco, and he's a really nice guy. And technically it's _your_ fault if we get associated with him, seeing as you're the one who drew the attention towards him anyway." I snapped at Connie, and he cocked an eyebrow but kept his mouth shut. Ymir and Christa both looked embarrassed, either that I was going or that Connie had been an idiot and shouted. Reiner and Annie were hiding their faces, Bertholdt looked extremely uncomfortable and was sweating again , and Armin gave me a small smile, while Mikasa and Eren chatted away. Sasha didn't seem to care, she was just stuffing her face.  
As I walked away, I heard Reiner's gruff voice chewing Connie out.  
"Sorry about that, Marco," I said as I approached him. He looked nervous as fuck. "Connie's an idiot."  
"I definitely don't want to go sit with you and your friends." Marco said, and that kind of stung. My friends weren't bad, it was just Connie. And Eren.  
"Well, I'm going to sit with you so you won't be alone, okay?"  
"Who said I'm going to be alone? Look, just because I'm disfigured doesn't mean people won't like me. I don't need your pity." Marco snapped at me, and I stepped back a little bit, confused. The shy guy from earlier was gone and replaced by a really confident guy who happened to be rude about it.  
"I didn't mean it that way. I just thought since you were new that you wouldn't make any friends on the first day." I lied. And it was pretty obvious. I can't hide my feelings well.  
"Don't lie. I'm being serious. I don't want you feeling bad for me because there's nothing to feel bad about!" He hissed, walking past me and to the food line.  
I was baffled. Why didn't he want to sit with me? I'd been so nice earlier! And usually being nice makes friends. But in this case, it only made me an asshole. "Fine then." I said loudly, storming back to my seat at our table and slamming my tray down on the table.  
"How'd that work out for you, Kirschtein?" Eren laughed, and Mikasa punched him in the arm.  
"Shut the fuck up, Jaeger." I hissed. I wasn't even in the mood to stare at Mikasa anymore. And I definitely wasn't in the mood for any fooling around from Connie.  
I poked at my mac 'n' cheese, occasionally looking back over my shoulder at Marco, who was alone for the entire lunch period. He had lied to me! He knew he was going to be alone! He just didn't want to sit with me. Asshole.  
But I really didn't think about him being an asshole, though. I just wondered what I did to make him so angry.  
Before lunch was over, after about thirty minutes of ruminating, I stood up and threw away my trash, going over to Marco's table and sitting across from him.  
"What are you doing?" He asked through a mouth full of ham sandwich.  
"Why were you so mad earlier? What did I do?" I asked, seriously concerned. I usually didn't mind when people didn't like me, but this guy really got to me.  
He swallowed and sighed. "I'm sorry I reacted so badly. I just get nervous and angry when everyone's staring at me. Sorry, Jean, I just don't like it when people feel bad for me. Or when they alienate me like that. I just feel like you're just talking to me because I have one arm and a messed up face and you don't want me to feel left out."  
I looked at him sadly. " _Now_ you're making me feel bad for you." I said with a laugh, and he frowned, so I tried to disguise it with a cough. "Um, anyway, I _don't_ want you feeling left out, you've got me there. And at first I was talking to you because of that. But now I see you're a genuinely nice guy. I should've worded it better earlier. I don't want you being alone, not because I'm feeling bad for you even though that's part of it, but because I feel like we could be friends." I explained, and Marco looked taken aback.  
"Are you being serious?" He said, trying not to smile. I could see how badly he wanted this; or how badly he wanted to laugh at me. Whichever one he was going to do, I was ready to take.  
"Yeah." I responded with a shrug. "I don't care if you look messed up. You're a nice guy, as I said earlier. Much better than me, anyway. So I want to be friends with you."  
He gave me a smile and nodded. "Okay then, Jean. We can be friends. But we have to get to know each other more before we're actually friends. Because I don't know if you're an asshole or not."  
To that I laughed. "Oh, I'm an asshole alright. But not to my friends, except Jaeger, and Connie. They deserve it sometimes." I shrugged again, tapping my fingers on the table before smiling at Marco. "So, it's settled. Now, do you want to hang out after school or something? There's this really good pizzeria a few blocks away from here that's really good, it's called Riko's. We could go there if you want...?" I said - more like asked.  
Marco nodded with his half-smile. "That sounds good." He said, letting out a really adorable little laugh while he talked. I blushed. It hit me just then how cute he was, despite being disfigured. His personality was cute, his laugh was cute and even the way he half-smiled was cute. It was just a squish, though. I hadn't known him long enough to have him as a crush. Plus, I doubted I would. It was just a squish.

\----------

The rest of that day went by like a blur. All of the classes were introducing the teachers to the students and the curriculum to the brain, so I didn't really miss much by getting super excited about going to Riko's with Marco. Marco wasn't in any of my classes, unfortunately.  
Next thing I knew, I was out at the front door with my cinch bag over my shoulder, waiting for Marco to meet me. And within a few minutes, there he was. I had to call his name because he looked around everywhere trying to find me but never caught my eye through the crowd of students. He laughed and waded his way through to me. He had a big half-smile on his face and I couldn't help but smile myself. "You ready for the best pizza in the world?" I asked, and he nodded vigorously. I had told Ymir to tell the rest of our group that I'd be out with Marco so I wasn't available that night, though I doubted anyone would want to hang out with me after what I'd done at lunch.  
"Let's go." He said hurriedly, and I laughed, heading in the direction that Riko's was. He was by my side, standing to my left, but I told myself that I didn't mind it. I had to get past his appearance like I said I would. I didn't look over at him too much because I was busy looking at the traffic signals at the multiple crosswalks we came across.  
We finally made it after what seemed like a really long walk, but it was probably short, just accentuated by the heat. Stepping into the pizzeria was like walking through the gates of heaven; it was a comfortable temperature and it smelled delicious.  
"Hey, Jean! Who's your friend?" Dot greeted us. Dot was an old man with a wonderful mustache and personality, who knew me quite well. He'd been working there since the place opened a year or two ago. Riko Brzenska was the owner, and she was a younger-looking girl with gray hair and glasses. We never saw much of her, though.  
"This is Marco. He's new here."  
"Ah. That's why I've never seen you here before, bud! Everyone in this town knows old Dot. So basically, what I'm trying to say is everyone's been here at least once. I remember people well. I'll definitely remember you, young man! So what can I get you boys today?" Dot asked, and I looked over at Marco, smiling.  
"Is pepperoni okay?" I asked him, and he nodded, smiling nervously. Dot made me nervous the first couple of times I met him, too. But now we were good friends, and I expected the same would come from Marco. "A large pepperoni, please. And a water for me, and..." Marco mouthed water. "A water for him."  
"That'll be ten bucks, kid." Dot said with a friendly smile. I pulled out my wallet and paid for the 'snack', shushing Marco when he started to protest. ("This is my gift to you. You can pay me back at some other point with something else." I'd said, joking of course.) "Alright, you know the drill. Sit this on the edge of the table so I can see it." Dot grinned and handed me the plastic stand with the number 52 on it, as well as two water cups. I thanked him and, after Marco and I fixed our drinks, we made our way to the high table in the corner by the window wall.  
Marco smiled at me and I watched the tension melt from his shoulders and face as we got seated. "Thanks, Jean."  
"No problem! Don't let Dot freak you out. He's just really friendly." I said with a chuckle.  
"Alright." He laughed.  
"How was the rest of your day?" I asked, resting my chin on my hand.  
"Uh, not too good." He said with a sigh. "A lot of people made fun of me."  
Dammit! I knew that was going to happen. I would've warned him, but it wouldn't have been the best idea at lunch seeing how frustrated he was at me already.  
"Don't take it to heart, man. Most people at RM are heartless assholes." I said with a dismissive wave of my hand. "It's not cool that they did that, but you can't take their opinions seriously. Especially not Connie. His head's just a ball of bullshit." Marco laughed at my last comment, then sighed again.  
"Sometimes I wish I didn't look like this, you know? It would make life so much easier. Plus, having two hands would be better." He chuckled. I smiled.  
"How _did_ you end up losing your arm, anyway?" I asked, not trying to be invasive, but seriously wondering.  
Marco looked out the window and let out a deep breath without making any noise. "My mom and I got hit by a drunk driver two years ago. In the car, I mean. We weren't walking or anything. But I was sixteen and stubborn, so I wasn't wearing a seatbelt, so I slammed into the side of the car so hard that my arm broke in so many places. It would've been too expensive and ridiculous to try and fix it so they just amputated it." He lifted his stub in my direction as if I hadn't already noticed. It was a little shorter than the length of his shirt sleeve. So basically it was gone from a few inches below the shoulder. "Well, now that you know that part," He said with a slow blink, looking me in the eyes. I felt my face flush. "I might as well tell you the rest. Only if you want to hear it, though."  
"I do." I replied a little too quickly, and he laughed.  
"Okay. Our car was old and it caught fire before the ambulance got there and the upper half of my body on the right side got burned really badly, just the front of my face and the rest of my torso, before they got me out, and since I was younger, they made me a priority over my mom." I could've sworn I saw tears forming in his eyes but he choked them back. "She died a few minutes after I got out of the car because one of her ribs tore into her lung and poked a big hole in her heart. But the EMT guys said that she passed out before she actually died because of the smoke, but I remember hearing her say something to me before I got out. She said, 'I love you, Marco.' And that was the last I heard of her voice. Those were her last words to me. And my last words to her were 'I'm not wearing a stupid seatbelt.' How fucked up is that?" He said. His voice was choked up and he was looked down at the table.  
"I don't know what to say, Marco..." I muttered. I wasn't sure whether to be sympathetic or not. He had told me he didn't want pity, but to ignore that entire story and change the subject would be hideous of me. "I'm so sorry." I said, deciding that if he got mad, I wasn't at fault.  
He sighed and brought his gaze back up to me. "Now you know that story."  
"What was your mom like?" I asked quickly, trying to get him to focus on better memories. I always found that worked when I thought about my dad. Thinking about good memories with my mom helped a lot.  
"She was easily the sweetest person in the world." He said with a smile, perking up a bit. "She was the best singer and she was an amazing cook. She loved me and my dad so much. Her name was Laura. Laura Vermeulin Bodt." He grinned and I saw the left side of his face flush. "Sorry. She was my hero, though. She meant a lot to me. I wish I'd appreciated her more when I had her. It's not like I didn't look up to her, but I was pretty defiant. I was trying to be cool, I guess. That's what all the popular kids were doing with their parents. Breaking rules and arguing." He said quietly. "But anyway, she was awesome. I hate that my dad remarried. Martha's nice and all, but I'd rather have it be just me and my dad than have another woman take my mom's place. He was just lonely, though." He continued, and then covered his mouth with his hand, I guess thinking that he had talked to much. "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to talk that much!" Half his face was red as a tomato. I shook my head.  
"No, it's no problem! I'm enjoying getting to know you. Even if it is pretty sad." I said with a shrug, smiling at him. "Your mother sounds like she was a great person."  
"I'm sure she still is, up in Heaven, you know." He said with a grin. "I like to think that she's proud of me for going on even without her here. Living life to its fullest, I guess." I felt so bad now. I had been so depressed when I was younger, and I didn't even have a reason for it, but I'd thought about taking my own life because I felt so bad. But here Marco was, disfigured and lacking the person he loved the most, living life to its fullest and even just _living_ with a good reason to want to be dead. "I told you part of my story. So I guess you owe me part of yours." He said, and I smiled.  
"Jean-ny boy! Pizza's ready!" Dot yelled, practically appearing out of nowhere next to our table with a huge pepperoni pizza on a silver plate. He gave us two paper plates, one for me and one for Marco, and then left after I thanked him again.  
I laughed after noticing that Marco was staring wide-eyed at Dot, nervous again. "You'll get used to him, I promise." I chuckled. "Anyway, since you told me a sad part of your story I'll tell you the somewhat sad part of mine. Those seem to be more enthralling anyway." I cleared my throat. "So, my dad was a huge douche and left me and my mom for some stripper he met at the club. I was never a big fan of him, but I'm still kind of upset over it, because it tore my mom up. That happened when I was twelve, and then when I was thirteen, I got really depressed for no reason. It was clinical depression, a chemical imbalance. I still take medication for it so I don't slip again. But I picked up cutting, as you can probably tell," I said, pointing at both of my arms. "And it made me feel a lot better each time I did it, and then I got really suicidal and almost ended my life over nothing. My asshole of a dad may have been a factor in it, but still, that wasn't really my problem. If anyone should've gotten that messed up over it, it was my mom. Anyway, I still cut, because I'm addicted to it and I can't stop. It's like heroin or something." I said with a shrug. "That's the only somewhat sad thing I can think of that's happened in my life. The rest of it has been pretty good." I said. Marco looked sad.  
"I'm sorry, Jean, I had no idea."  
"It's no big deal, really."  
"Actually, it is a big deal. You almost died."  
"Well, so did you!" I said. "And your mom did die! You have a much bigger reason to want to die than I did. And here I am, abusing my two functional arms and you only have one! I'm just a selfish piece of shit. It's okay to say that, because I think it, too."  
Marco pressed his lips together, pulling a piece of pizza free from the pie and putting it on his plate. "You're not a piece of shit. And you're not selfish, from what I can tell. No one has a better reason of wanting to die than anyone else. If you want to die, whether you have a reason or not, it's a really bad thing." He explained, taking a bite out of his slice. He chewed and swallowed as I sat there, feeling awful for even comparing myself to him. "But I'm glad you didn't die. Otherwise I would've moved here and I'd have nothing to show for my first day of senior year. Now _that's_ selfish thinking. But everyone's a little selfish sometimes."  
I gave him a small smile. "You're really great, you know that, Marco?" I said, my smile growing bigger as he returned it.  
"I can't refuse a compliment from someone like you. Now, eat your pizza." He laughed. I took a slice of pizza and placed it on my paper plate, taking a sip out of my water. I took a bite out of the thin, greasy pizza and groaned. Every time I ate Riko's pizza was like my first time eating it all over again. It was that good.  
"This pizza is good, isn't it?" Marco chuckled, having taken another bite from his slice. 

We ate the entire pizza during a span of about 45 minutes. That was actually a pretty long time for me, because I usually ate an entire pizza by myself in about 45 minutes. We were caught up in talking to each other, I guess. He was a really interesting guy. I learned a lot about him. He liked bands like You Me At Six, My Chemical Romance and Blink-182, which I liked as well, and he learned that I also like heavier stuff. I learned that he was a really good reader and writer, and he learned that I was better at science and math. I learned that he never made any good friends wherever he went because of his appearance, and he learned that I have the same problem because I'm an asshole. "I have friends," I told him. "But none of them are my best friends. I actually feel like most of them just have me around because they know I'd be totally lost without them. Maybe Armin and Connie don't think that way, but the rest of them, yeah."  
Marco gave me a sad look. "I'm sorry. That must suck."  
"That's coming from the guy who hasn't made any friends at all." I laughed, and he shook his head.  
"I think you're my friend already." He said with a smile. "We've only known each other about eight hours but I think we're friends." He blushed on the one side of his face and he was giving me a small smile now, the grin having faded some. I guess he was just nervous.  
I smiled back. "I guess we _are_ friends, then." To be honest, I was more happy about that than I should've been. Maybe I was happy for him, or happy for me since I'd found someone I could probably relate to better than anyone I already knew. I couldn't get my hopes up, though. He could be just like my other friends; keeping me around to keep me from getting depressed again. But he probably wasn't. I felt more connected to him already than I did to anyone else in years of knowing them.  
"Since we're friends I'm going to take full advantage of this opportunity to complain about people behind their backs." I said, and Marco started laughing so hard he nearly fell out of his chair. It wasn't that funny to me, but I guess it could come across that way to some other people. I was laughing, too, but mainly at Marco's red face and kicking legs. He wiped a tear away from his eye and settled down after a minute or two, then he tried to put on a straight face and nodded at me to go on. "Let's start with Eren. He is an _ass_. Just pray to God that you never have to talk to him. He'd probably be nice to you, though, but he's mean to me and as my friend you have to avoid him. He's a total dick and is getting in between me and Mikasa. The three of us are like an awkward love sandwich, Eren being the filling that keeps the bread from touching." Another weird comparison. "I've had the biggest crush on Mikasa for the longest time, she's super hot and super mysterious and when we talk she's generally nice, but she can stand up for herself. And I think she might like me back, but I can't tell, because of god damn Eren." I whined, and Marco looked a bit confused.  
"Wait, you're talking about that girl with the red scarf, right?" Marco asked, and I nodded. "I was watching your friends after what happened with Connie. They seem to have groups within the group. And Eren is the guy with the brown hair and freakishly sparkly eyes?" Once again, I nodded. "Yeah. Him and Mikasa and the kid with long blond hair seemed to be one of the groups. Don't get mad, but you didn't really seem to fit in with anyone over there." He speculated, and I shrugged.  
"Like I said, none of them are my best friends. I guess you're right, I don't really have a group. I guess I'm my own group." I muttered, looking out the window wall. I really didn't _want_ to be my own group. And having Marco point that out just made me feel extremely lonely. "We should probably go." I said, changing the subject and standing up from the high table.  
"Sorry, Jean. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings." Marco apologized, and I shook my head.  
"I'm fine, I just-"  
"No, you're not. I can tell." He said, and I sighed. I _really_ couldn't hide my feelings well.  
"I just feel lonely. That's all. Having you point it out just kind of made it worse. That's it. I swear." I said, shrugging. Marco gave me a sad smile. "I'll walk you back to a point where you can get home by yourself. Maybe after school tomorrow we can do something else." I suggested, my own smile reappearing.  
"Sounds good." Marco said with a grin. I was starting to get used to how he looked already. The way the one side of his face stayed put didn't bother me anymore. In fact, he was looking kind of cute. Not like "that one side of your face is cute" cute, either. His _whole_ face was cute. My heart belonged to Mikasa, but I didn't deny myself the pleasure of looking at cute people. So I looked at him a lot while we were walking. We talked some, mostly about school, but most of the time was spent in silence, enjoying each other's company.  
"Well, I assume you remember your way back from here." I said to Marco as we approached one of the stop signs that was close to the school and close to Stohess Unities - my neighborhood and the neighborhood I saw him walking through, so I assumed he lived there, too.  
"Yep. Thanks for the good time, Jean! I really appreciate it. I'll see you tomorrow." Marco said with a tiny smile and we continued walking, but branched off in separate directions after a few seconds.  
I adjusted the cinch bag on my shoulder and headed home, not surprised at all when I found that my mom wasn't home. Lately she'd been working more afternoon shifts. And those lasted a long time, seeing as she was a surgeon and all. I'd probably be eating by myself later, so once I stepped inside, I dropped my bag and headed up the stairs to my room. I entered the small area, greeted by the familiar smell of air freshener and teenage boy. I sighed and walked into the bathroom, staring at myself in the mirror.  
"You fucked up today, but you redeemed yourself later. Good job." I told myself.  
"Thanks." I replied.  
"But you need to prove yourself to Marco. Prove that you're worth something, if you are at all. He could be the one you've been looking for. But you have to protect yourself, lie if you have to, to make sure he sticks around." I hated these parts of my conversations with myself. "Or else you'll be completely alone for the rest of your pitiful excuse for a life."  
"I don't want to be alone." I muttered, holding my head in my hands as I leaned on the counter. Next thing I knew, I had my blade in my hand and was tracing a red line on my right arm. I did another, and another, until I had twelve bleeding cuts on my arm. I sighed again and wrapped them up in the blood-stained gauze roll that I had been using since I was fifteen. I'd take it off in a few hours.  
I wiped the blood from my fingers and left the bathroom, grabbing my laptop off of my bed and logging into Facebook and Tumblr. My fingers began typing Marco's name in the search bar on Facebook. And sure enough, he was one of the first results. I reluctantly clicked on his profile, pondering on whether or not I should request to be his friend or not. _Might as well,_ I thought. _We ate pizza together. He must like me._ I clicked the friend request button and checked out his profile. He didn't post very many statuses, but a lot of them were funny. And a lot of them were in memory of his mom, but they were never negative. He'd just recall good memories he had of her and put smiley faces at the end of them. That made my heart ache for him. If I were in his place, I'd have probably killed myself already. He was someone to look up to, that was for sure. I went back on my newsfeed and saw Sasha posting pictures of her afternoon 'snack' (which consisted of two tacos and a Nachos Bell Grande from Taco Bell) with Connie in the background, a picture of Ymir and Christa together, Reiner, Bertholdt and Annie at Riko's (sure glad I missed them) and a selfie from Mikasa. I would've been drooling over her if I hadn't been distracted by the fact that Marco had accepted my friend request.  
"Yes!" I nearly shouted, clicking on his box in the chat area and immediately typing a message.  
**yo** was what I typed. Lame, I know, but it was just enough. Not too little, not too much.  
Marco: **Hi, Jean!**  
Jean: **wow u type really proper for a guy with one hand**  
Marco: **You get used to it. Typing with text speak makes me feel weird, haha! Plus it's good practice for typing essays.**  
Jean: **i can see that**  
I paused, then typed another message.  
Jean: **anyway how are u, feelin good?**  
Marco: **Yeah, I guess. My stomach kind of hurt from all that pizza though. :(**  
Jean: **sorry omg im so used to eating a full pizza by myself in one sitting so i figured you had the stomach for it to nd omg im sorry**  
Marco: **Quit apologizing! I had a good time. :)**  
He typed a smiley face! That was a good sign! He really did like me!  
Jean: **ok yay :)**  
I wasn't sure what to type next, but it said that Marco was typing, so that was okay. It took about 30 seconds (30 agonizing seconds of waiting, at that) for him to reply, but he did.  
Marco: **So, what are we going to do tomorrow?**  
He actually wanted to hang out tomorrow! I thought he was just agreeing to it to be nice. But he actually did! This day just got a whole lot better!  
Jean: **how abt the park? nd then we can walk around town nd show u where everything is**  
I liked my plan, so hopefully he liked it, too. Instead of staring at my screen and waiting for him to reply, this time I waited for him while scrolling on Tumblr. Annie posted another selfie with her usual dull expression, as well as the top of Reiner's head coming in from the side. I guess he was trying to sneak into her picture. It had about 12 notes, which wasn't the usual surprisingly high amount of notes for her selfies. I assumed she'd just posted it. Connie reblogged some text posts, Sasha reblogged more "food porn" as she called it, and Christa made a text post that said "hanging with Ymir, send us asks!!! :)))" Only after seeing all that did it strike me that Marco hadn't replied. _Shit! I probably said something wrong! Was I too straightforward with that?_  
I checked Facebook again and saw that he was typing. What was he typing? The Bible?  
Marco: **That sounds great! Hey, thanks for hanging out with me today. It means a lot. As I told you, not a lot of people want to hang out with a guy whose face is messed up and is missing an arm, but you did anyway. :) I think it was really kind and brave of you to leave your friends to come talk to me. Even if you do pity me, you're a really good guy. Sorry if that was lame, I just felt the need to express it. :)**  
My hands flew up to my tomato-red face and I closed my eyes. His words were going in circles in my head and I couldn't get them to stop. So he _was_ my friend. He was a really good friend. After one day I could easily say he's the best friend I've ever had. No one else had talked to me like that before, except maybe my mom, but that doesn't count. I had no idea what to say. I looked at the time on the lower right corner of my laptop and noticed that it had been a full three minutes since he'd sent that. Shit!  
Jean: **i have no idea what to say man thank u**  
I didn't feel that was enough. I needed to repay him. I needed to say something nice back.  
Jean: **but u kno, ur the really good one. u had a good rite to be mad at me but u werent. i mean u were for a little while but not for long. i hate that ppl dont take u srsly bc of ur predicament. ur the nicest guy i kno and after one day i can easily say that ur my best friend.**  
I sent it before I had time to look over it, but I immediately regretted it. That was too much. Oh my God, that was too much. He was typing. I braced myself for an awkward "Haha, OK." from him. Oh God, I fucked up.  
Marco: **I can say the same about you, Jean. :) I have to go now, it's almost five, so that means dinner's almost ready. But I can't wait to see you tomorrow! Bye bye!**  
I sighed. It worked out. I couldn't believe it. He said he could say the same about me. I was thrilled.  
Jean: **bye marco! :) :) :)**  
I covered my face with my hands and smiled so big that it hurt. This was easily the most intense squish I'd ever had. I tossed my laptop so that it landed on the end of my bed and I laid down, blushing so furiously that my face was super hot. I was curled into a ball, my face in my hands and giggling like a 3rd grade girl who'd talked to her first crush.  
"Ugh, Marco." I said, and I loved the way his name came out when I said it. I was getting too attached too fast, and I knew it, but I loved it. Feeling wanted and cared for made me all of a sudden love life. I couldn't wait for the next day of school to see Marco at lunch again. Maybe we could walk to school together again, too!  
_Stop, Jean. You're acting like a loser._ I quickly sat up and tried to clear the color from my face, and stopped smiling, but the happiness was still inside me.  
Connie: **wanna chat on skype?**  
The notification noise from Connie's message scared the shit out of me and I pulled my computer closer. I nodded even though he couldn't see me.  
Jean: **yea hold on**  
I opened up Skype and it automatically logged me in, and I saw that almost everyone was doing a voice call with each other. Christa, Bertholdt, Reiner, Armin and Eren weren't there, but everyone else was. The instant Mikasa saw my name, she invited me, which made me feel super nervous but happy inside. She acknowledged me for the first time in forever! Ugh, this night couldn't get better. I mean, I cut and everything so if I hadn't that would make it a lot better, but other than that, things were going great.  
I clicked to accept the invitation and was immediately greeted by everyone's voices talking over each other. Ymir and Christa's voices were coming from Ymir's profile, seeing as they were together on her phone, Bertholdt and Reiner came from Annie's, and Eren and Armin were coming from Mikasa. So Eren actually was there. But I didn't really mind. All I could think about was Marco.  
"Hi guys." I said, and everyone replied with an almost synchronized "Hey Jean!"  
"We were all gonna go to a movie together but Ymir told us you were busy. What's up with that, man?" Reiner asked, his deep voice coming through a strained computer signal.  
"Oh, uh, I was with Marco." I replied, glad that no one could see me blush.  
"Marco?! That guy with the weird face and no arm?!" Connie asked, and Sasha told him to shut up.  
"Yes, that guy." I responded, rolling my eyes. If anyone could ruin my mood it was Eren and Connie.  
"I thought he ditched you." Eren said monotonously.  
"Well, we made up and went to Riko's."  
"How come we didn't see you there, then?" Annie asked.  
"Marco and I went right after the bell rang, so... yeah."  
Christa's high-pitched voice was scrambling to talk after me. "That's so nice of you, Jean! What's he like?"  
"He's really cool!" I started, unsure of whether I would be able to stop without someone telling me to. "We like the same music excluding the heavier stuff, he's more of a literature kind of guy, and he used to like playing videos games before he lost his arm. He told me he liked horror games, like Amnesia and the Silent Hill games. He's played all of those. He hated Amnesia: A Machine For Pigs, though. He said it was a flop, and I have to say I must agree. He doesn't have as big a stomach as I do so his stomach hurts from eating half a pizza, how weak is that?" I laughed. "And-"  
"We get it, Jean!" Bertholdt laughed, but he sounded nervous as usual.  
Connie let out a single burst of annoying laughter. "Sounds like a cool guy. Hey, I'm sorry about all the yelling I did about him earlier. That really hurt his feelings and got on your nerves, didn't it? I'm just a blabbermouth, sorry." Connie said with a quiet laugh this time.  
Everyone started talking at once trying to tell Connie that he was either an asshole or okay for doing it. "It's over now, man, it's okay. I'll tell him you apologized and see if he wants to sit with us tomorrow."  
"That would be nice." Mikasa said, and I felt my heart flutter. She was talking to me! Eek!  
"Uh, uh... yeah!" I laughed, and I heard her let out a sigh, practically hearing her roll her eyes as well. Damn.  
"Okay. But don't expect me to be super nice to him, you know how I am." Connie said, and I agreed to that.  
We talked for a long time after that, Mikasa occasionally talking to me and Eren always shooting me down afterwards or even randomly, calling me "horse-face" a plethora of times. I always followed up with "Shut up, Jaeger," which was one of my best comebacks, unfortunately. Sasha asked me how Marco lost his arm and I told her that he'd tell them if he was comfortable. Ymir and Christa could be heard chattering with someone's hand over Ymir's microphone. Bertholdt and Reiner were flirting and Annie couldn't be bothered to tell them to stop. Sasha talked about her blog with Connie, and Armin was pretty much the only one still talking to me.  
"How was your day, Jean?" He asked, his girlish voice sounding even more girlish through the microphone, as usual.  
"Really good, actually. After school and all, Marco and you guys really brightened it up."  
I heard Armin let out a content laugh, and I could hear him smiling. "That's good! Did you do it again?"  
It's a shame that I knew what he was talking about before he even finished his sentence. "Uh, yeah, sorry."  
"Jean!" Connie interjected. "I told you to fucking stop!"  
"Were you listening? You little hairless asshole!" I hissed, and Armin laughed.  
"Break it up, break it up." Armin said, and I let out an annoyed sigh. "You don't have to tell me why this time, but I expect you to contact me before you do it next time. Maybe that'll help you stop." _Maybe is the key word there._  
"I'll try to remember." I said, and that was that.

\----------

Armin and I chatted until Connie, the unfortunate host of this group, had to leave, and we all said our goodbyes to each other.  
I checked the time on the bottom right corner of my computer and noticed it was 7:36. Two and a half hours of talking. That was amazing. I took the bandage off of my arm and threw it back underneath the sink as I briefly walked into the bathroom and out.  
Once I was back on my bed I scrolled through Tumblr for what felt like forever, nothing catching my eye. I reblogged a few of my friends' selfies because I was obligated to - all of us made a pact when we were old enough for Tumblr that we would all reblog each other's selfies - but nothing really caught my eye. I didn't like or reblog anything else. Occasionally I'd come across something I thought was funny and I'd laugh, but I was too lazy to move my finger over to the trackpad. I felt exhausted. No matter what I was thinking about my mind would always wander back to Marco's kindness and cuteness. I couldn't wait to see him tomorrow. I wondered what kind of stuff we would talk about. And I also wondered if I would sit with him at lunch, or if he would sit with my friends. He seemed kind of angry at Connie. But that could've just been temporary. Whatever, I'd ask him tomorrow.  
The main thing I was concerned with was the fact that I'd finally found someone I could connect with. Someone who was actually interested in me and not just keeping me around to keep me from slipping again. I hated to admit it, but around that time I'd been cutting more and feeling worse. But the instant Marco and I became friends, those feelings seemed to go away. I knew that wouldn't last forever, but I was enjoying the tired euphoria of having a new friend. I felt like I was floating on air. And once again, I didn't remember going to bed; but I did remember my mom coming up to check on me and leaving the door open.  
I couldn't wait for what lay ahead of me the next day.


End file.
